What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 01:06
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She found it foreign!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I have no regrets .
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do people with straight hair think curly hair is so easy to take care of?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Comes on , in middle age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was very sick at this time too.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I said to her
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..